Tag Archives: Humor

Need a Little Humor in Your Life?


Don’t we all? These Mom texts (below) gave me a hearty chuckle. I totally get the difficulty with texting (autocorrect) and haven’t even attempted voice text. Navigating the world of acronyms and emoticons is perilous. Uncharted territory. My advice: ‘when in doubt, don’t’.  But you can’t always help it. Like yesterday, I’m  in the garden taking flower pics with my nifty iPhone (from my last birthday) when I spot weeds taunting me. I tuck the phone under my arm and bend down. After a few minutes an alarm blares. I’m so startled I nearly fall into the beans I haven’t picked. Yet. I will.

What the heck? It’s coming from my phone and there’s a red emergency SOS threatening to send. Or did it already go out? Insert panicked bad word here.

I can’t turn the phone off fast enough. Are cop cars gonna roll into my yard demanding the nature of my emergency? I didn’t even know the phone had an alarm, let alone how to engage it.  I do now.

What a monster this deceptively innocent device can be.

Oh, and then there’s the whole Mom Memory lapse thing. I nearly forgot to mention it.

Fortunately, like the moms in this post, I’m blessed with helpful kids. My daughter Alison’s silly goats worked best image wise. It looks like they’re amused, or can’t believe their eyes. I’ve included some ‘best of’ text exchanges between moms and their offspring.

Mom: Hi Bridget I space space space space how space are space you space doing period capitol eye love this new phone exclamation point

Bridget: I see you’re using voice text. You don’t have to say space Mom it does it for you.

Mom: I cucumber lettuce pea Ritalin

Bridget: What? Mom stop just type.

****

Mom: What does IDK, LY and TTYL mean?

Daughter:  I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mom:  OK, I will ask you sister.

****

Mom: Andy, I can’t find my phone. Can you call it so I can track it down?

Andy: I don’t even have time to be quippy, Mom. It’s in your hand.

Mom: What? No it’s not. I’ve got a bag of groceries in my hand. Are you saying it’s in the grocery bag? How do you know these things?

Andy: WHAT ARE YOU TEXTING ME WITH?

Mom: Never mind. I found it. Thanks!

****

Daughter: Mom where are you???

Mom: Leaving Walmart. Halfway home. Why sweetie?

Daughter: You brought me to Walmart with you…

Mom: Oh DARN! Be there in a bit!

Madre: I left my friggin charger in Dayton.

Mom: Do you know how worried I’ve been?

Madre: Mom I’m sorry. I couldn’t get a hold of you.

Mom: I almost broke the treaty to be sure you were OK.

Madre: What treaty? MOM ARE YOU QUOTING TWILIGHT AT ME?

Mom: Yes.

***

Mom: Your great Aunt just passed away. LOL

David: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny David! What do you mean?

David: Mom lol means laughing out loud!

Mom: Oh my goodness! I sent that to everyone. I thought it meant lots of love! I have to call everyone back. Oh God.

****

Mom: Please stop changing the google logo so much. I like the original one.

Son: Mom I don’t change the logo. Google changes it.

Mom: You don’t run the google?

Son: If I did I wouldn’t be driving a 2004 ford.

Son to his Mum:

Finally, you’ve entered the digital age and got a smartphone!

How is it?

Mum?

Helloooooo???

Why aren’t you answering?

Mum: Howdoyoudoaspace?

****

Son: Got an A in chemistry!

Mom: WTF, well done!!

Son: What do you think WTF means?

Mom: Well that’s fantastic!

****

Mom: Good morning beautiful.  🙂 xoxo Your imaginary boyfriend.

Daughter: Thanks Mom

Mom: Hi Honey how was your day? 8=======D

Daughter: WTF Mom! Why’d you type a penis emoticon???

Mom: I don’t know what you mean. 8=======D is an alien smiley face.

Daughter: No it’s not! It’s a penis. Who told you that?

Mom: Well I saw it in some of your brother’s texts to his girlfriend and when I asked he said it was an alien. Wait so 8=======D~ { (0) } isn’t a space alien getting on a ship?

Daughter: No Mom it isn’t.

****

Mom: I’m learning how to hashtag!

Son: That’s great, Mom.

Mom: Hashtag conversation with son

****

There are a lot of these hilarious Mom texts online. I laughed out loud. LOL.

I don’t write comedy but I do have a keen sense of humor which comes out in my books. For more on me please follow my Amazon Author Page:

https://www.amazon.com/Beth-Trissel/e/B002BLLAJ6

*** Goats like to sit on rather than in their house.

Easy reading is damn hard writing. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne


When I first took up writing romance novels with an all-out passion, I knew absolutely nothing about the genre, or the business of writing. No notion of the massive journey that lay ahead. I was as unwitting as a newly hatched duckling, and thought I could embark on this quest and sail along. 

I remember the first contest I entered, assuming I would win, of course. I was mentally planning my award acceptance speech when I received my scores. Not good, would you believe. I was stunned. One judge tossed me a bone. ‘You have talent,’ she assured me, ‘as evidenced in your flair for description. 

Another bemused judge observed, ‘You broke every rule.’

‘Rules?’ I mused. ‘There’s rules?’

I mean, who knew?

After a three day pout, I resumed the journey.

Somewhere along this rugged uphill climb, a kind soul directed me to RWA. I can’t imagine how I would have grasped the rudiments without them and other writing groups. Always before me lay a new turn in the path, another hurdle to master, and onward ho I went like a sled dog through blinding snow, uncertain where shelter lay. Quitting might have been threatened, but was never a real option. No one ever achieves success by abandoning the quest. I knew that. Still do. So, wherever you are in the process, whether reveling in your stardom, or just undertaking this life changing journey, keep going. It’s a well worn path and there are kindly guides along the way.

My basic thinking about writing is that stuff’s gotta happen or you lose the reader’s attention. Onward ho.

Some wise quotes for inspiration:


If there’s a book you really want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it. ~Toni Morrison

Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~E.L. Doctorow

A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket. ~Charles Peguy

Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn’t wait to get to work in the morning: I wanted to know what I was going to say. ~Sharon O’Brien

 
I’m not a very good writer, but I’m an excellent rewriter. ~James Michener

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth

The story I am writing exists, written in absolutely perfect fashion, some place, in the air. All I must do is find it, and copy it. ~Jules Renard, “Diary,” February 1895

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. ~Author Unknown

A critic can only review the book he has read, not the one which the writer wrote. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

 

There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. ~W. Somerset Maugham 


Writing comes more easily if you have something to say. ~Sholem Asch


I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork. ~Peter De Vries

Publication — is the auction of the Mind of Man. ~Emily Dickinson

“If You’ve Been Invited to a Party, it’s Probably a Mistake,” and other Eeyoreisms–Beth Trissel


Yes, boys and girls, it’s time for a little Eeyore.

“Go ahead, eat all you want. But just try squeezing out the doorway.” ~Eeyore

“Owl flew past a day or two ago and noticed me. He didn’t actually say anything mind you, but he knew it was me. Very friendly of him, I thought. Encouraging.” ~Eeyore

“The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, “Why?” and sometimes he thought, “Wherefore?” and sometimes he thought, “Inasmuch as which?” and sometimes he didn’t quite know what he was thinking about.~

“If it seems as though you haven’t ‘felt at all how’ for a long time, look behind  you. It could be that your tail is missing.” ~

“When your tail is missing, Remember you have every right to Mope.”~

“Having your tail recovered is well and good, but remember that it will have to be reattached.  With a hammer and a nail.” ~

“Use caution when standing by the river bank minding your own business. You might get bounced into the water.”~

“When stuck in the river, it is best to dive and swim to the bank yourself before someone drops a large stone on your chest in an attempt to hoosh you there.”~

“No Give and Take.  No Exchange of Thought. It gets you nowhere, particularly if the other person’s tail is only just in sight for the second half of the conversation.”~

“Good morning, Pooh Bear,” said Eeyore gloomily. “If it is a good morning,” he said. “Which I doubt,” said he.

“Why, what’s the matter?”

“Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.”

“Can’t all what?” said Pooh, rubbing his nose.

“Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush.”~

Eeyore,” said Owl, “Christopher Robin is giving a party.”

“Very interesting,” said Eeyore. “I suppose they will be sending me down the odd bits which got trodden on. Kind and Thoughtful. Not at all, don’t mention it.”~

“I might have known,” said Eeyore. “After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round. Always something going on.”~

“It’s snowing still,” said Eeyore gloomily.

“So it is.”

And freezing.”

“Is it?”

“Yes,” said Eeyore. “However,” he said, brightening up a little, “we haven’t had an earthquake lately.”~

Eeyore walked all round Tigger one way, and then turned and walked round him the other way. “What did you say it was?” he asked.

“Tigger.”

“Ah!” said Eeyore.

“He’s just come,” explained Piglet.

“Ah!” said Eeyore again. He thought for a long time and then said: “When is he going?”~

Could you ask your friend to do his exercises somewhere else? I shall be having lunch directly, and don’t want it bounced on just before I begin. A trifling matter, and fussy of me, but we all have our little ways.”~

I thought,” said Piglet earnestly, “that if Eeyore stood at the bottom of the tree, and if Pooh stood on Eeyore’s back, and if I stood on Pooh’s shoulders -”

“And if Eeyore’s back snapped suddenly, then we could all laugh. Ha Ha! Amusing in a quiet way,” said Eeyore, “but not really helpful.”

“Well,” said Piglet meekly, “I thought -”

“Would it break your back, Eeyore?” asked Pooh, very much surprised.

“That’s what would be so interesting, Pooh. Not being quite sure till afterwards.”~

“Eeyore, what are you doing there?” said Rabbit.

“I’ll give you three guesses, Rabbit. Digging holes in the ground? Wrong. Leaping from branch to branch of a young oak tree? Wrong. Waiting for somebody to help me out of the river? Right. Give Rabbit time, and he’ll always get the answer.”~

“But, Eeyore,” said Pooh in distress, “what can we – I mean, how shall we – do you think if we -”“Yes,” said Eeyore. “One of those would be just the thing. Thank you, Pooh.”
~“That’s right, Eeyore. Drop in on any of us at any time, when you feel like it.”“Thank you, Rabbit. And if anybody says in a Loud Voice ‘Bother, it’s Eeyore,’ I can drop out again.”~

“You don’t always want to be miserable on my birthday, do you?”~

“They’re funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you’re having them.”~

“Hitherto, all the Poetry in the Forest has been written by Pooh, a Bear with a Pleasing Manner but a Positively Startling Lack of Brain. The Poem which I am now about to read to you was written by Eeyore, or Myself, in a Quiet Moment. If somebody will take Roo’s bull’s eye away from him, and wake up Owl, we shall all be able to enjoy it. I call it – POEM.”~

“A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.”~

“That Accounts for a Good Deal,” said Eeyore gloomily. “It Explains Everything. No Wonder.”

“You must have left it somewhere,” said Winnie the Pooh.

“Somebody must have taken it,” said Eeyore. “How Like Them,” he added, after a long silence.~

“I’m not asking anybody,” said Eeyore.  “I’m just telling everybody. We can look for the North Pole, or we can play ‘Here we go gathering Nuts in May’ with the end part of an ants’ nest. It’s all the same to me.”~

“I’m telling you. People come and go in this forest, and they say. ‘It’s only Eeyore, so it doesn’t count.’

They walk to and fro saying ‘Ha Ha!’. But do they know anything about A? They don’t. It’s just three sticks to them. But to the Educated – mark this, little Piglet – to the Educated, not meaning Poohs and Piglets, it’s a great and glorious A. Not,” he added, “just something that anybody can come and breathe on.” Piglet stepped back nervously, and looked round for help.~
“This writing business. Pencils and what-not. Over-rated, if you ask me. Silly stuff. Nothing in it.”~

I like the puffy white clouds. Aren’t they… that is… oh, my goodness. They’ve turned grey.” ~Winnie the Pooh

Never trust a cloud, I always say.”~Eeyore

“We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.” ~Eeyore

“Remember, nobody minds, nobody cares.” ~Eeyore

“Do join in the search for a lost friend-or-relation. But don’t be surprised when nobody bothers to tell you he’s been found and you search on alone for two days.” ~ Eeyore

I Have A Cheap Fairy Godmother


I got a bunny buck. For those of you ‘not from around here,’  bunny bucks are the vouchers awarded to faithful patrons of a local grocery store. In the weeks preceding Easter, customers receive bunny bucks based on purchases. When you accumulate all seven you get ten dollars off your groceries–or a ham.

Yesterday while shopping there with daughter Elise, I commented that I only needed one more coveted bunny buck, and I hoped it didn’t turn out last year, when, ‘woe unto me,’ I forgot to cash them in. Much lamenting followed–by me. The others bore up. Well, lo and behold, as I’m in the checkout line an elderly woman tapped me on the shoulder to ask if I needed a bunny buck. Why yes!  Magic, right? Then it occurred to me that I’d used up my wish on a bunny buck.  Apparently, I’m alloted a certain number. Not many.

Years ago, when we were poor as church mice, not sure what we’ve gravitated to now, barn rats maybe,  I’d recently given birth to my eldest daughter and had a craving for potato chips–not something our budget extended to.  Generic saltines were the limit and I even made my own crackers. They were pretty bad and live on in family lore.  But back to the longed for chips. Weary, as new mothers are, I took a nap with the wee ones and awoke to discover an Old Order Mennonite neighbor on my doorstep holding a paper bag which she extended to me saying, ‘Our family got together today and made potato chips. As I was passing, I thought you might like some.’

I just stared at her. My wish was granted. We might lose the farm, but by golly I had potato chips. Similar events have led me to the conclusion that sometimes, in the most unexpected ways, my wishes come true. Not the miraculous answer to prayer sort of way, but the kind a fairy Godmother might grant with a wave of her wand. Either I need to be loftier in my wishes or more specific.

Well, we didn’t win the lottery my hubby informed me this morning–he’d actually gone all out and bought two tickets. Nope, I got us a bunny buck.

Cinderella Lied


According to my four-year old granddaughter Emma.  I’ve never heard that take  before.  But she’s an unusual little girl.  So I’m in my writing cave–the couch with my laptop and fur babies–when Emma appears, as she does when weary of being on the farm with her adored father.  No, I didn’t want to go outside and swing, or pick flowers, or dig in the dirt.  A gusty wind blew and dark clouds were gathering.  And we heard the ominous rumbles of thunder.

To avoid a session of Wonder Pets— that darn song stays in my head for hours, or worse, Dora the Explorer, I suggested a much neglected favorite to entertain while I worked on edits, Disney’s Cinderella.  A film I first saw when I was a child.  This agreed to and a snack provided, we settled in, as much as one can with Emma.

Rapt silence for an extended length of time and then, “Cinderella lied.”

This gained my immediate attention. “What?”

“She said she wasn’t going to the ball and she went.”

“But Cinderella only said she wasn’t going after the wicked stepmother heaped so much work on her that she didn’t have time to make her dress, but then her little mice friends made one so she changed her mind.”

“Is changing your mind like lying?”

The vagaries of truth is a frequent topic of conversation as she tries to fathom the difference between harmless pretend and willful tale-telling, plus, plus.  I’ve decided this earnest child takes after the Puritan side of the family.

Emma also pointed out that Cinderella didn’t fess up to being at the ball after she’d gone.  Exasperated, I said she would’ve been beaten with sticks and shut up in her room.  And some things are best left unsaid.

A blank look.  I also got a blank look when in Cinderella’s defense I reminded Emma that they made her do all the dishes and cleaning and cooking and then remembered how hard her mother works.  So, no biggie there.  Emma was not accepting excuses.

But she did like the shoes.  And the fairy Godmother.  She could definitely find a use for one of those and made inquiries.  But Cinderella?  What a whiner.  Apparently she should have asserted herself, made the dress, and gone to the ball.  The prince didn’t seem to impress Emma one way or the other.  Not the sharpest knife in the drawer but a good dancer.  And she liked his castle.

Women have married for less.

*Next up, Emma on musicals.  “Why do they keep on singing?”

Writers and Cats~


We recently took in an unusual barn kitty, the part Siamese offspring of a tabby mama.  A tiny runt, Pavel (pronounced Pabel) was half the size of his robust litter mates.   We’re told he was born pink and hairless, so must have been a premie.

Feisty,  we guess that’s how he survived, this determined little guy can be very sweet and purry when he so desires and has brought much pleasure  into our life.  I particularly like it when he cuddles with me.  Mostly he wants to play and practice his pouncing.  Our two older cats Percy and Minnie Mae are gradually adjusting to him, although relationships have been strained.  They were once the new kid who had to gain acceptance among the ranks.  I tell them sometimes you just need a kitten.

“It is impossible to keep a straight face in the presence of one or more kittens.” ~Cynthia E. Varnado

“A catless writer is almost inconceivable.  It’s a perverse taste, really, since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys.”  ~Barbara Holland

(Pavel and my little pom poo Sadie Sue sitting with me as I write).

“The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.”  ~Doug Larson

“There has never been a cat
Who couldn’t calm me down
By walking slowly
Past my chair.”
~Rod McKuen

“I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult.  It’s not.  Mine had me trained in two days.”  ~Bill Dana

“If there is one spot of sun spilling onto the floor, a cat will find it and soak it up.”  ~J.A. McIntosh

“No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.”  ~Leo Dworken

“Kittens believe that all nature is occupied with their diversion.”  ~F.A. Paradis de Moncrif

*Images by daughter Elise